Dear Thirteen: This is the First Life I’ve Lived
I am a certified “thought daughter.” If there’s one thing I’m going to do on this planet, it’s reflect. I will stare at my ceiling and think about my actions—again and again.
I have no illusions about the fact that I’ve hurt people in my past: friends, family, lovers.
That truth can be heavy. Sometimes it's debilitating—carrying the knowledge that there are people out there who think I’m some wicked witch of a woman.
It makes me feel exposed, vulnerable, raw in a way that stings. I hate the idea that I’ve left a bad taste in anyone’s mouth.
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll remember something embarrassing I did years ago and have to literally scream just to keep the shame from swallowing me whole. Being a “thought” daughter is not for the weak.
Reflection isn’t easy. It’s uncomfortable, even painful—but it’s necessary. We have to look back and try to see ourselves through someone else’s eyes.
One thing I CANNOT STAND is someone that thinks they can do no wrong. We’re not perfect. I don’t want to be perfect. I want to be better. I want people to tell me how I’ve hurt them and then I do the work to change.
I want to tell people how they’ve hurt me and give them a chance to change.
Everyday I am learning something new. I’m healing, and growing, and trying. That’s all we really can do isn’t it? See our faults and try again.
What I’m learning now is how to give myself grace in the process. I have to remind myself: this is my first time living life. I’ve never done this before. That doesn’t mean it’s okay to go around hurting people, but it does mean I need to accept that I won’t always get it right. My brain isn’t even fully developed yet! So I’m learning it’s okay to be soft with myself. To give myself the same compassion I so easily extend to others.
There are people in this world that may never forgive me for the things I have done. But that doesn’t mean I can’t forgive myself.
Shame is a choice—and I’m tired of making it. I get to be a person. I get to make mistakes, to learn, to grow.
I get to live this life for the first time—and I refuse to feel guilty for it.
