Dear Thirteen: All My Ghosts Are With Me

I sneak into the kitchen at midnight, eager to enjoy a glass of champagne to celebrate turning 24.

Illuminated only by the dim light of the stove, I find a newly fourteen-year-old ‘Jai’ stealing a sip of sparkling cider. And then there's four-year-old ‘Jailyn-Rebekah’ enjoying an ice cold apple juice. 

These are the ghosts I carry with me, the parts of me I don’t share with other people. Here we are, joined in the kitchen at midnight on our respective birthdays.

Another year older.

Another year wiser.

Another chance to try again.

As I feel their hearts beat in time with mine, I pour myself a glass and settle in for the night. 

4 year old me wonders if the dark ever got less scary and if Mommy is still my best friend. I’m excited to inform her that Mommy is still my favorite person and that  we talk everyday. The dark is less scary now, but we still sleep with cowie on the bed. 

The version of me that’s 14 is curious to hear about our boyfriend. How tall he is, what kind of car he drives, the flowers he buys.  Her face falls when I tell her we don’t have one.

But I drive a Chevy like we always wanted.

I got much taller and can reach the high shelves on my own.

The flowers? I pick them myself and put them in vases I’ve collected from thrift stores.

There is no one’s company I enjoy more than my own. 

I tell them about all the life they have yet to live. 14 year old me doesn’t quite believe we’ll get to see it. Turning 15 seems so unlikely to her that 24 feels impossible. But things get easier. At 24 our anger isn’t the first thing we think about when we wake up. The sadness does not consume us. We are alive because we want to be. Not because we just happen to be. 

The 4 year old doesn't understand the far off look that exists in the eyes of 14 and 24. She has only ever known clear skies and peaceful dreams. She does not know about grief, or regret, or shame. We envy that about her. 

They want to hear about Baltimore. How I got there, why I haven’t left.

The preschooler can’t picture a life outside of Colorado. 

The high schooler can’t seem to find her place in Georgia and longs to go home. 

Neither of them yet know that home is a place I have invented for myself.

In my home there are no slamming doors. No one stomps around angrily. Voices are only raised when the movie gets scary, the pillows welcome me after a long day, a cool breeze sings through the windows. I leave the dinner table when I want, not when I am told. 

People come over when they are scared and confused. I offer a kind word, a hot meal, an earnest prayer. My home is the one people go to when others have shut their doors. 

We all decided to give up on basketball. It was always more dad’s dream than ours. But I am forced into swearing to give musical theatre another go- and to take up karate if I have the time. 

The words ‘fanfiction’ leave the lips of little miss 14 and I am bullied into confessing I still read it. It’s not usually about Supernatural these days, but I return to Sam and Dean Winchester when I need a pick me up. 

I hide my smile while I share about the passions I have found. The way I fell back into love with writing, the feeling of my feet hitting the pavement as I run, the way serving my community makes me smile.

I remind them that the Lord is our salvation, our solid rock. 14 rolls her eyes, unconvinced. She has known so much pain she is unconvinced he’s up there. 4 has only heard stories of him, songs from Veggietales, and said prayers over meals. 24 has seen him for herself, but confesses it still takes effort to keep her eyes on the hills. I tell them that the battle of life is won in the trying and serving. The Lord will do the rest.

We all turn a necklace in our hands- an anxious tic that never went away. The necklace has changed through the years, with time and growth, but the reassurance is the same. 

They think I’m so different. I think I’m more of myself. 

As night becomes early morning we say our goodbyes. The next time we see each other, we will be joined by 34. We all hope she remembers to give herself more time. 

All my ghosts are with me. 

I feel them as the sun rises and as it sets. 

I see them.

I am them. 

My ghosts and I have spent twenty four years on this earth. 

I am grateful that they didn’t give up. 

I am grateful to know what it is like to turn 24.