It’s the end of August which in my world that means a couple of things.
It’s the anniversary of the first time I felt real tangible loss. My grandfather should be seventy-five. A new school year has started.
And every year the end of August means once again, it’s my birthday.
Everyone knows I go all out for my birthday. There's always a theme, and a function, and dinner at P.F. Changs.. I often start making the next birthday's Pinterest board before the current party is over. What most people may not know about my birthday is that once upon a time I didn’t think I would have many of them.
Life was hard for me for a long time. It was scary and confusing. There were so many days where I felt lost and alone. For a really long time the end of August felt like it was miles away. Getting older, felt like it was miles away.
But now, for the twenty-fifth time, it’s here. The end of August. And the sun has continued to rise in the east and set in the west. The tide comes to shore while the monarchs migrate to the south. Soon all of the bugs will start to die and yet, I’m alive.
A few weeks ago I was crossing the street and I nearly got hit by a car. I remember being SO ANGRY at the car. Pedestrians ALWAYS have the right of way in a cross walk! How dare they nearly hit me! Didn’t they know I could have died?
I could have died…
Thinking about the car now brings tears to my eyes because when I was fifteen I would have been upset that it didn’t hit me. For fifteen year old me August is a reminder of the things she’s lost. She’s angry with God and with herself. She doesn’t think life can’t be this beautiful. She feels so alone she can’t begin to fathom having people that want to celebrate with her. The sun can’t shine on her face and she can’t find Christ on a blade of grass or in her reflection on the water. Fifteen year old Jailyn doesn't think she can shed the heavy coat of grief that is dragging her down.
Her birthday is a thing of happenstance. She ages in spite of herself.
What she doesn’t know yet is that one day she’ll heal from all the things that have hurt her. One day she’ll stand in her sunlit bedroom, in a city she loves, with her best friends around the corner. Fifteen year old Jailyn hasn’t yet spent the end of August wildly drunk, singing her favorite songs, with all her favorite people. She hasn’t learned the harmonica or reconciled with the Lord.
She doesn’t know that she will learn to love life in spite of her clenched fist.
She doesn’t know it yet but some time soon she’ll be grateful that life didn’t end when she wanted it too.
But she will.
She’ll see the face of God in the moon and laugh until her stomach hurts. She’ll celebrate her birthday with a ridiculous party and nearly pee herself with glee. One day she’ll have an edible, watch 21 Jump Street, and laugh so hard she forgets what it’s like to be sad. One day she’ll drive around with her windows down even if it ruins her hair because everyday is all there is.
When she gets older she’ll eat doughnuts and pizza even if it makes her a little bit fat. She’ll use up her savings on a last minute trip to Vegas and ruin her liver with vodka Red Bull’s but that’s ok because she has decided to enjoy life. In all the anguish, in all the pain, with all the misery.
She’ll exist. In one million agonies she will exist.
She doesn’t know it yet but someday soon, she’ll stop praying to be hit by cars.
